dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
