I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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