she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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