At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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