I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
