Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
