I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
