I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
