The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
please come you make the beer taste better
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
