how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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