Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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