He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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