the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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