Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
