Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
