What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
