he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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