I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I AM VODKA MAN
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
