I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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