the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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