Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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