I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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