He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
