Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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