please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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