have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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