from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
