If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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