Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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