I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
