I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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