We won't sleep together?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
