Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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