The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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