I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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