I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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