i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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