i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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