I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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