It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
