I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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