Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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