New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
