You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
