I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
