To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
