Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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