I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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