somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
