Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
