My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
