There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish you could order shots online.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
