I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
