Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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