hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize