Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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