i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
