i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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