Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
