Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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